DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
