did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
