i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Small penises have feelings too.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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