there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize