I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
