Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
