it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
