Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
