Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
