Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
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what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
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I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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