just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
