there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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