Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
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I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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