uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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