im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
