Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
