I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
