apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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