Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
