Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
