I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
