I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
please don't ironically join a cult
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