I wish I only lived at night.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
