know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I believe in your delicious
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
