It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How does it feel to date your dad?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
