Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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