omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
