Don't you send me to vm
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
