Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
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she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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