Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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