Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am