I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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