I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
