I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
