Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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