I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
