How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
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It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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