Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
