You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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