my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
