i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
