somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
