I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
