You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
