how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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