The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
