When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
