Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
