I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
