Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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