Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
