you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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