her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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