It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
