I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
FUCK WHALES
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
