Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
