i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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