If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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